Although Daria doesn't have to flee from bombs, rocket attacks, and constant drone strikes to shelters, she is suffering from the Russian war of aggression against her homeland, Ukraine.
Seven years ago, Daria moved from Odesa to Vilnius for love. She found a job, learned Lithuanian, got married, made friends, and became part of Lithuanian society. Several times a year, she traveled to Ukraine to visit her family and friends.
On February 24, 2022, at 5 a.m., everything changed. A call from her brother brought the news that the war had begun. "I couldn't imagine it was really happening. I didn't want to believe that Russia was actually invading our country. I had always suppressed that scenario."
The news deeply shook Daria. "I felt it with my whole body." She describes states similar to panic attacks. "I often didn't know how to calm myself down personally." Daria fell into a personal crisis and initially saw no way out of getting her life back on track. She says that she had already had to cope with significant losses in the years before. "Four years ago, my father died, and then my two grandparents." She believes she had not yet processed these losses when she received the news of the war. "That was just too much for me."
Daria's mother still lives in her house near Odesa. "We have repeatedly tried to persuade her to come to us in Lithuania," Daria says. "But she doesn't want to. She feels so connected to her home that she wants to stay." For the 32-year-old, it is difficult to bear that her mother is exposed to the daily risk of becoming a victim of the war. Daria reassures herself with the thought that Odesa is not a "hotspot" at the moment and that it is somehow possible to live there. "My mother has set up a room in the basement where she could stay for a few days." Daria explains that her mother usually sleeps there because she hears the sounds of war less and doesn't have to fear that windowpanes will shatter. "It's a permanent fear that shapes people's lives. And that fear transfers to me," Daria says.
She often feels guilty that she has not yet managed to bring her mother to her. "On the one hand, I miss her very much; on the other hand, I would like to know she is safe." At the same time, she adds: "I can't force her. I have to accept her decisions. We've talked about it so often that she knows she can come anytime."
Daria reports a very close relationship with her mother. "We are in constant contact and talk several times a day or chat. She's like a friend to me, with whom I share everything." She was last in Ukraine in 2023. "Now I'm afraid to go there. The situation can change so quickly." Her biggest fear is that she could get stuck in the war and not be able to leave the country anymore. "I wouldn't be any help to my country and couldn't actively support the defense of our country." That's why she regularly meets her mother outside Ukraine, either in Lithuania or in another country that is easily accessible for her mother.
Daria talks about her childhood in southern Ukraine. "Our family's native language is actually Ukrainian." However, during the Soviet era, this language was so strongly suppressed that Russian became her mother tongue. "My grandparents always spoke Ukrainian, but I always answered in Russian." And she knows from her mother that only Russian was spoken at school, and Ukrainian was taught as a foreign language for one hour a week. Books in Ukrainian were virtually non-existent. Today, Daria tries to speak Ukrainian with her mother again. "But it's not always easy when you've always spoken Russian together."
Daria shares how she managed to get out of her personal crisis. The first step for her was to acknowledge and accept that she was in a crisis. "And then I read many books to understand the connection between the brain, feelings, and body." She finds it important to highlight two books that helped her in particular: In "You Are the Placebo," Dr. Joe Dispenza explains how to use the power of the mind to improve one's health by consciously bringing about the biological response of the placebo effect. And the psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk describes in "The Body Keeps the Score" how traumatic experiences not only sustainably influence the mind but also the brain and the body. Daria knows that everyone must find their own way of dealing with their trauma. "These books helped me so much that I can only recommend at least trying to work with them." Since so many people in and outside Ukraine suffer from war trauma, she sees these books as an important first step: "Not everyone has the opportunity to seek psychological treatment. But with these books, you can start."
Another important balance for Daria is sports. She talks about starting with cycling, running, and padel tennis. "That helps me to focus and creates relaxing moments of happiness."
But the war keeps catching up with her. She tells of her father’s nephew, with whom she had made contact after her father's death and was in regular contact. "He fought at the front. He was actually very optimistic. He always wanted to convince me to travel to Ukraine." At some point, Daria stopped getting a response. Months later, she learned that her 36-year-old relative had been killed in a mortar attack. "Our government said at the beginning of the full-scale war that it could touch every family. That's exactly what happened to us."
Daria is impressed by the willingness of the people in Lithuania to help her country and the people of Ukraine. "We also support as much as we can, less actively but through financial support for both humanitarian aid and the active war effort."
"The war has changed all of us," Daria says. "I have always admired my mother's cheerfulness and openness. But now she is drained and exhausted." She adds that this is no wonder when you're trying to survive for years under constant stress. "You never know what will happen the next day or in the next minute."
"Since the war started, I miss Ukraine even more," Daria says. Although Lithuania has become her second home and she assumes she would not return permanently after the war, "I would visit my family and friends much more often and, most importantly, hug my dog again," she says with a slightly optimistic smile.
I was waiting for a ferry across the Curonian Lagoon in the pouring rain when I met Daria and her friends. They were also traveling by bike.
